About 2 months ago

Re-evaluation and existential crisis

Re-evaluation and existential crisis

Hopefully, the information below will help someone with similar issues.

The last four years were probably the hardest. There were many reasons for that:

  1. Four years ago, we discovered that my father has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD, self-righteous subtype). I had intense PTSD related to this. My life could have been much better if I was not born to a mentally sick parent and the damage he did to me and later to my family is immense. If life is from zero to one hundred, and most people start their lives at zero, I suddenly realized that I started at minus fifty (if not minus eighty). I was put back by total emotional neglect and emotional abuse in my childhood from both parents. I was put back by intentional attempts to destroy my self-confidence and my soul by my father. I was put back by his skewed, sick, self-grandiose, and self-righteous worldview that surrounded me from the day of my birth (links to videos that explain this in more details below).

  2. My clueless mother. My father utterly sucked out her brain and soul with decades of gaslighting. Dad always was making her choose between children and him, and she always was choosing the husband.

  3. I had intense grief that was related to the above. Grief for lost time, grief for lost opportunities, grief for choices that I would make if not the above. Grief for lost parents, which are alive but dead to me at the same time. Grief for lost hopes to be part of a healthy family.

  4. My wife and I discovered our only son is on the autistic spectrum. He had substantial development issues at the time. It hit me like a track, especially taking into account that at the same time, I discovered what NPD is and how my father stole my life and my soul from me. I can't describe how angry I was.

  5. I am now in the process of successfully overcoming my depression and existential crisis. I think immigration to a foreign country might have added to it (not that I had much support in my native country).

All this was happening at the same time in 2016-2017. At some point, we were renting an apartment on the 31st floor, and very early in the morning, I caught myself on the thought that I can open the balcony door and jump. Since that moment, more than three years passed, and it was years of self re-evaluation and self-fixing.

My mental health was quite unstable back then, especially at the beginning of that journey. I am genuinely sorry that I might unintentionally hurt some people and was not kind enough to other people. Back then, I was not who I am.

Without the help and support of my ex-wife, I would not make it. Thank you, Yulia <3. We decided to part, but we are still friends.

Now I feel most of it is behind me now.

If you interested to know more about this:

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, Robert M. Pressman
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD
DoctorRamani youtube channel by Dr. Ramani
Surviving Narcissism youtube channel by Dr. Les Carter and Laura Charanza
Re-evaluation and existential crisis